Holiday Visiting

First day back at school has been great.  Everyone seemed happy to settle back to normal and in my travels, I visited a Year One classroom.

The kids were all sitting in a circle and after the usual chat and happy talk, I noticed that one kid had had a pretty fancy haircut, we discussed it and I made a fairly casual comment about doing something so exciting in the holidays.

Next thing, every hand in the room was up...

"I went to the beach"
"I went to the movies and saw Madagasca"
"I went to the park"
"I went to my aunties"

And so it went round the room until one of the of the little girls reported

"I went to the Taliban Factory" !!!!!!!!

I glanced at the teacher and muttered "did she say Taliban factory??" 
She was uncertain and shrugged. 
She mouthed, "I think so"

"right, moving straight along to the next kid....... what did you do in the holidays?"

So, Taliban factory?  In South Auckland?  Backpacks manufactured with......????  Movies that skite about conquests in the desert???  Osama badges or t-shirts???

I can only hope she meant Tiptop Factory........? I have tried to roll it off my tongue in 50 different ways and I can come up with nothing else....

My Son Ben.- Argentina

When we were at the All Blacks training earlier in the week at the beautiful private school, I kind of adopted Ben Smith.

Toward the end of the session a whole heap of the school kids had come out and were sitting around where we were standing and they were chatting away.  We were not saying much because it was so freaken cold and our jaws were in lockdown.

Anyway, amongst the chatter from the children were a group of boys who kept looking up at Ian and I.  After some time and much nudging one of the boys asked "are you familiar with the All Blacks?" (think Gloria from Modern Family accent with less English)

Me!  Familiar with the All Blacks?  What do you want to know??  "yes" I replied "I am familiar with the All Blacks"

See, even he looks confused??!!??

Much excitement and nudging and pointing.  Whispers up and down the line and slowly it dawned on me, they didn't mean 'familiar' they meant 'family'.   More nudging and finally one of the kids asked me 'who is your son?'  I am lucky I had had a whole 15 seconds to figure out what was going on, so I had had time to eliminate as a potential son anyone too old, anyone too ugly, anyone too crass, anyone playing badly.

"Ben Smith" I answered.
"Conrad Smith" the kid crowed! "Conrad Smith"
"No! Ben Smith"


"Which one is your son" so I pointed out Ben Smith, posed for photos, signed autographs.
No, I really just pointed him out while Ian moved ever so slightly further away from me and as luck would have it, the bell went and my untruthfulness lies buried in the heart of Buenos Aires.

The All Blacks vs Los Pumas in Argentina

We met in the lobby to travel to the game and it was not hard to see which team we supported.  Everyone was kitted out in black with scarves, flags, face paint, the whole bit!  We loaded up into the 3 buses and headed out.  The flags were in the windows of the buses and as we got onto the motorway we were greeted by a variety of reactions- of course thumbs up, thumbs down, with associated tooting of horns (maybe horns have only just been allowed back??) we got a few middle fingers and waves (did I mention horns) but my personal favourite was the person who ripped off his shirt with the colours of Argentina on it, stuffed it out his skylight and proceeded to beat his chest and toot his horn as he passed the 3 buses, only then to drop back at the toll bridge and repeat the whole thing again.

We were taken to a venue at La Plata, which was about an hour away and had lovely wine and food and a few hours slipped by as we prepared for the match.  We were taken through some chants and had a bit of a practice at those and in the enclosed room, the 300 of us sounded pretty sharp.

I was later to find out that is a drop in the bucket compared to a 55000 strong rugby crowd.

As time approached to leave the venue, I decided that the black balloons decorating the walls needed to be liberated and taken to the match.    Then in my infinite wisdom, I decided to free one of the bamboo stakes from the planter boxes and put my balloons atop the stake.  Had I had 0 glasses of wine, I would have made EXACTLY the same decision.

A Puma support much closer than I am comfortable with.....

Had four balloons, was down to three within about 15 seconds.  BUT being the McGyver that I am, I wrapped the popped balloon around the very sharp stake and hey presto!  Once back inside the bus with my rather large totem to New Zealand Rubgy, I tied the flag cape that Kate had bought for our synchronized swimming team to the bamboo stake and I was ready!

This is when I noticed the cops.

As luck would have it, they were more interested in providing a police escort for the buses to get safely to the game.  I began to wonder the wisdom of making myself SO fiercely New Zealand if our bus needed a police escort!

The New Zealand buses all parked together and we got out and made our way into the venue.  I needn't have worried as the crowd are so impressed by the All Blacks that we got treated like royalty just for being dressed in black.

I am unable to describe the stadium and the way the crowd gets into the game.  We are so boring when we watch sport as New Zealanders.  We sit and clap when something happens and then give a cheer and a shout when we score.  Not so the Puma fans.  The place was alive and loud and I could not imagine more enthusiasm for the Gladiators of old.  Our cheer was truly pathetic and our noise drowned out- thank God we won!!!


At the end of the game, their fans moved in on the New Zealand crowd and worked at swapping everything they could for All Blacks stuff.  I gave my stolen bamboo stake with no balloons left and a $6 flag cap to a kid along with a black, silverfern cap and he looked like he just had 10 Christmas's. 

It was VERY cool and if you get a chance to watch a rugby game in Argentina, grab it with both hands.

The Coalition for Larger Shoes. (Buenos Aires)

The photos didn't come out but during an evening, about 6.30, from our 16th floor hotel room we could hear random drums and toots.  Expecting another protest march (as we saw so many) I raced over to the window.  What I saw confused me, not only were there only about 6 people making all that noise but 2 of them were carrying what looked like a giant, papier mache shoe.  It was painted, mostly red and they held it above their heads, while the other marchers tooted cone horns and beat drums and chanted.

I madly took photos as the group left the sidewalk and moved onto the road.  At this stage the lights further up were red so they had a free run.  That soon changed and although the drivers in Buenos Aires don't sit at the lights, revving engines and giving each other 'want a drag??' faces, once the lights turn red, it is like the start of a Mercer drag strip race- even the buses!  As soon as the cars started to move, they also started to hit the horn, then as if it is a competition to see who has the loudest horn, everyone else further back hits the horn.

Not only do they add to the noise being made by the Coalition for Larger Shoes but they also drive them off the road (perhaps from fear of damaging the only shoe that would fit????) and up onto the footpath.   Next thing, a van screeches to a halt in the lane closest to the Coalition and the backdoor flies open.  All the cars and buses behind are stopped and are forced to toot again as they try to move around the van, the Coalition members stuff their shoe into the back and leap in.  Doors slam and they join the traffic........ gone!

The protest lasted all of 3 minutes.  I am hoping the Coalition is successful so that when I go back next time they won't look at my size 42 feet and through the embarrassed and awe struck faces murmur "we only go to size 40!!!"

The Fine Art of Advertising in Buenos Aires

Around the city I have discovered the fine art of advertising.  Where ever you walk in the central city are business card sized advertisments for a particular style of entertainment.  These come with pictures of the young ladies in various poses, most of which are on the dodgy to okay side of things, however, there is one particular "postit note" (huh!!  postit- could be spanish for what they are showing??? only its not that.)  anyway- one has a very, very up close and personal shot VERY!!  Did I say very?

This woman must not only be busy at night, but also during the day time because her....   is everywhere.  We saw someone putting the postits up on the wall and they run a glue stick down any surface and stick these on. By the hundreds, along walls, poles, rubbish bins (how appropriate) Don´t park your car for too long!!  Don´t stand still for too long......

Funny though, Buenos Aires is very Catholic and we saw this very well dressed older lady ripping them off the wall with much wringing of hands and crossing herself and praying under her breath and rolling her eyes skyward.  I was actually half tempted to stop and help her because no one really needs to see that... over.... and over.... and over.

Worse!!  What if one comes off the wall and gets stuck to your shoe and you take it home and go through customs and.....

Or the men who may go home with one of those fallen off a shoe, into a suitcase for their wife to unpack!

Well quite some explaining anyway

Wanted: One Plumber.

When we arrived last week, first thing we did was went for a walk around the city of Buenos Aires.  One of the streets close to the Sheraton is closed to traffic and is about 10 blocks of shops and arcades.  The footpath is mosaic style concrete paving stones and seriously, the whole thing has seen better days.  There seems to be no concerns about broken pieces, dips and hollows and it appears in places like an earthquake has been through. 

One the first night we walked past a drain that was releasing raw sewage into the walk road.  It was pretty gross because it flowed to the middle of the footpath area and into a grated drain.  We have walked past it a few times since and today, now one whole week, it remains.......  untouched, unfixed and generally ignored by the passersby.  Perhaps I might organise a protest group to get some action??

Also on the first night, I decided to take a bath (even though I had been careful NOT to walk in anything)  The bath was duly poured and had and my clothes sat on the marble tiled floor in the bathroom.  I hopped out and pulled the plug and was drying myself when I felt this warm whisper of movement around my feet.  My clothes had not discovered a life of their own,  the floor waste was burbling forth the contents of the bathtub!   It has threatened a few times since but this morning when showering it once again didn´t cope and by the time I got out, the water was out the door and sneaking toward the window!!

And the worst part- we are on the 16th floor!!!!!!  Those rooms further down must be just about filled up with water if gravity is not taking it away from that height!!

Money, money, money...

The money here in Argentina is really interesting and really confusing!  They use the Argentean peso and also US dollar are accepted currency only they have totally different values!!  Prices are generally written in pesos so a big Mac is $58 (I know this how.....) but you can also pay in US which depending on the mood of the vendor has been anything from 3.8 to 6 for an exchange rate!  They love the US because it is undeclared and don't trust the banks because in 2001 the banks were frozen and they couldn't get their money out.  They also have a huge counterfeit problem and there are hawkers on the street that will exchange your money, but you also might lose the lot to fake dollars!  We don't know what rate they offer but apparently it is pretty good.  So to buy a simple item, you first convert pesos to US dollars once you know the vendors rate, then you convert that to NZ dollars so you can work out if you are getting ripped.  Then you decide if you want it and if you don't, often the rate changes down and you do the whole calculation again- well I don't obviously, Maths not my strong point.  The human calculator does it in his head while they are still opening the drawer to get a calculator out!

Doggy Daycare

In Buenos Aires, there are heaps and heaps of the most beautiful parks with amazing fountains and statues and memorials.  They are ornate and totally over the top with marble and bronze and cherubs galore.  We walked the city today with a guide and she took us to some places we had not discovered in our travels.  She told us that many of the statues are not as they had previously been because when the economy crashed in 2001, much of the bronze was stolen and sold for money. 

Most of the play equipment, statues and sometimes even trees have fences around them to rival what The Gardens School could use to keep those pesky kids off the roof.

Part of these parks include a huge, fenced, grassless dedication to the canine of the family.  The guide told us that is was not a sweatshop for dogs to manufacture poop, more a creche for neurotic apartment dogs to gossip ( gossip???  who´s got time? Get a job, I say!!!).  They get walked there by the hundreds, all by one person whose job it is to walk them.  They then get released into doggy creche and they run round like mad things shouting, rolling, sniffing butts, trying to tempt others to play and generally creating havoc.  The dog walkers have the best of it because they sit around and watch the dogs playing and generally chat (gossip again!!!??)

These dogs are every breed imaginable and I know how all these breed came to be- someone invented doggy creche!  Along with other things that dogs like to do, there was a certain element of ´frisky´behaviour and HEY PRESTO a new breed is born!!  Move over Labradoodle, now meet the mongresatian or the Old Englmastif.  I have photos.  Hell, I better rephrase that.....
  I have pictures of the hundreds of dogs behind the fences playing. 





I have photos of the walkers surrounded by their many and varied charges. I may even have a photo of the dog in a pink tutu that we saw, I say may as it is very likely one of the 4 million people who live in this city or the extra 2 million that stay here during the week could have walked in front!!!!!

Mayhem is normal.

I have just seen the funniest thing that I seriously think could only happen in a Latin American country.  As we walked back to our hotel we could see people with flags and banners in the park opposite our hotel.  We could hear some drums and a few tooty numbers and maybe 50 people and though it must be some sort of celebration?

We came up to our room on the 16 th floor and could clearly see the party.  On one side of the park is an 8 lane road which becomes 10 lanes in rush hour (not enough lanes here today??? Just drive up the curb then...). In front is 4 lanes one way meeting a curved road with a further 4 lanes.  The traffic is diabolical and I will never moan about Auckland traffic again!!

Anyway, back to the story.  The 50 ish people waving flags and banners and following the drummer start off across the park heading for the road. A lone cop on a motorbike tries to control the situation but as the march moves on to the road he senses a losing battle, so stops his bike in the middle of the road and settles in to have a smoke.  The traffic coming up the road has to stop as the 8 or 10 buses at the front of the line pull up.  That road quickly fills with stopped traffic and the 4 lanes form back across the intersection with the 10 lane road.  Vehicles begin to back up that side of the park and affect the adjoining intersection.  In the meantime the small number of marchers have reached the curve road and begin to walk along- all in peak traffic.  Behind them for blocks is chaos of vehicles and toots and general mayhem, all stopped by one cop, his bike and a smoke.
The photos I took fail to do justice!

I am yet to figure out what the protest was all about?  Citizens for less road noise?.

The Other Side

We were offered the opportunity to scoot across to Uraguay today, so we booked in and left early this morning.  The trip involved going out through immigration, then getting on a ferry (think inter islander) traveling the 40km across the river to Uraguay.  The point between Buenos Aires and Colonia is the shortest and as the Rio De La Plata heads toward the sea, it gets huge!

The water is a grotty, dirty color, like our rivers in flood and you would swear you were heading out into the sea because you can't see the other side.

Colonia Del Sacramento is really interesting as it had been a point of conflict between Portugal and Spain for many years with both sides controlling the region at different times.  The buildings in the area reflect this with both controlling groups using the others buildings, then building more or simply adding on, only for the hands of power to change - 5 times!!!!  There are the remains of an old city and a fort which is now World heritage list and they are slowly repairing bits.  You can tell the streets that were built by the Spanish because they have a channel up the middle where all the water etc flows and then drains away and the ones built by Portugal are humped and the channels run down the sides.

You can see in the photo how different the two types of buildings are.  

The population of Colonia is only 25000 people and from what we saw, Uraguay is glaringly different to this side of the river, more gentle perhaps?









We saw the remains of the first wharf which was built by an Argentean man who then shipped heaps of stuff in, built a house and casino and bullring, then bought people from Argentina to holiday there. It was very successful until the Uraguay Government banned bull fighting and took control of gambling.  The bull ring remains standing but is in need of repair.  They do plan to fix it up and use it for a concert venue. They are after 30 million US if anyone is feeling flush?

We have just arrived back in Buenos Aires and it is getting on toward 7 pm.  The sun is still up and the roads still choka with the traffic of people commuting home.

ABs Q&A with Dai.

Yesterday we went to a 'insiders guide to the All Blacks' held at the Sheraton, where
we are staying.  Six All Blacks came and were a panel for Q and A with Dai Henwood as MC.
It was very well done and nicely informal, with supporters questions being asked.  The A Bs were Richie, Sam Cane, Kieran Reid, Luke Ramano, Adam Thomson and my personal favorite Conrad Smith.

They were pretty excited that I was going to be there as well.

This afternoon we walked up through a shopping district of Buenos Aires that was heavily into leather goods and tourist stuff. The guide told us we would be better off now that people were back at work because it would be safer from pick pockets and from bag snatchers. A couple of people on tour have been done over and apparently one guy got some horrible brown goo squirted on his back and he stopped and some kids came forward with water and tissues and proceeded to fleece him. We reckon any goo gets chucked on us and we circle like banchees and attack.  Ian reckons knowing our luck we will attack some poor old fulla after a bird lets go on us!

On every corner is a hawker trying to push you toward their shop.  You reach out and take their card and you are history!  As New Zealanders we are way too polite so now I have got to the aloof raise of a hand in a stop gesture stage and I make a face that says don't mess with me, but the language barrier probably makes it look more 'oh crap another of these people I don't understand'.  The funniest today was a lady that I thought was a leather hawker and she rushed forward and spoke in garbled Spanish and really fast!  When I looked at the card she was trying to give me, it was a naked, buxom woman.  I am torn between she was asking me to join a club where I would fit right in or a family member is missing and if I get snatched for the white slave trade, keep an eye out for her!  Or even worse!  She did eye up Ian as she passed the card over...

Secrets, Slums and Ice

We have just been to the All Blacks training at a secret location somewhere out in the burbs of Argentina.  Not sure why it needed to be so secret as I have no idea which direction is which.  I know how to find the bus and that is all I need.  Turns out is was at a private school somewhere past shanty towns and slums and then magically the accommodation changes to lovely homes.  Everything has bars on the windows, even the houses in what I imagine is the suburbs.  Very little lawn area and the houses are really close.  Our guide said there are 14 million people and another 2 million commute daily to work in Buenos Aires.  It is very cold here today and there is an icy wind.  I might just need to go and buy some warm leather or something like that......
More to come (as long as internet holds up....)

I've never seen so much in my life!!

I'd like to say zeros in my bank account but.......sadly not.  Something far less useful, spendable and something that sticks more to your shoe.

Everyone has dogs.  Even the homeless people have dogs!  We saw one that had bags of dog food and 3 dogs, who all actually looked quite well feed, unlike the owner...  We saw a person this morning being dragged across the road by her large dog and then the dog used a tree for what must have been 2 minutes.  Poor apartment dogs!!!  there is a law that you can only walk 8 dogs at any one time.  8!  Argenteans dont care much for the law so i am on a quest to get a photo of the MOST dog walker.  Ian reckons he has seen one with about 20!

It sadly is not dogs that I have never seen so much of, it is their by product. Honestly it is EVERYWHERE. If they were more technological, I would invent an app that locates and warns about dog mines on the ground and I imagine I could see more zeros in my bank account!!

Thank the Lord that Bear doesn't live here. 

Post For Alex

Alex, today I bought a vivid to get Mahe Drysdale and Juliet Haig to sign your rowing shirt. Can you imagine asking for a vivid pen in a foreign country, by acting out what you need and doing a mime of fat pen to write on clothing- and adding sound effects........ they have no English and I have no Spanish!!!  I got the pen.  Such is my power.   Last night Mahe and Juliet were one table over from us, so my stalking is improving!

Watch this space, signed shirt is coming....








                                                                                            See Alex!  See all the things I do for you!!!!
                                                                                            Only took a little stalking...

Tango Show

Last night we went to a dinner where there was a show. It was mostly dedicated toTango dancing and although long, they were incredibly skilled and needed to have exception timing for fear of being kicked in the neither regions!

They also had this guy who used  those round balls they use to trip animals when hunting and he was amazing, kind of like poi but wooden and used for a practical application.

They have made a big deal of tango as there is disagreement whether it started here or in Bolivia.  Apparently it started around 1870s as (get this?.) a dance men did to simulate fight moves,THEN the prostitutes got involved and it became more sexy (sound like a Tui ad to me) The big Catholic population shunned it until it caught on in France, then it was all go here.  It is pretty 'close' dancing, for want of a better term!

The City of Buenos Aires

Today we have walked the city from where we are staying down to Recolita and Palermo where there are markets and the zoo. One thing I have discovered is that markets, the world over are the same and zoos very definitely are not!  This zoo was built late 19 th century and must have once been amazing, with buildings so opulent and ornate and also a wide variety of styles but mostly influenced by French styles.  The zoo and botanic gardens were built right out of the original city and then Yellow fever hit and people with money moved out of the city to those areas.  They built houses that are now for example embassies etc.

These mansions are now either well kept or ramshackle depending on who owns them.  The law in Argentina says you have to leave property to each child equally, so once split they are not maintained.

Yesterday we went to the graveyard where Eva Peron is buried and that was very interesting because they are buried in alley ways of crypts.  Again either beutifully maintained or abandoned.  Loads of photos but I am just making the most of Internet while I have it!

Dodgy internet

All Black Ghosting- the new art

DAY ONE- The All Blacks on tour with me""

We have arrived in Buenos Aires
After a really long flight and we made up time with winds of up to 275kms!,,

I am in full stalking mode and am yet to be arrested, pretty lucky really!,

Ghosted Ma'a Nonu and also Beaudine Barrett,  have photos!  Just have to figure out how to put the on the blog with the iPad!!!!  My secret strategy is that I look like someone's Mum!!!!  Brilliant!!!

Also got in on coaching chat with Steve.  He probably didn't notice.  I just used my subliminal messaging skills to share my advise.  I'll have to build up to moving into the coaching box, don't want to undermine him this close to the test.
!

I am hoping it will be a funny, funny world as tomorrow I am getting on the big black plane and travelling WITH THE ALL BLACKS to Argentina for the test.  If you are  not a rugby fan, then 'the investec rugby championship' might sound as foreign as 'non tengo dollero' but I am pretty excited!!!

In the last week the clever kids at our school have been working on a video to replace me (if that were possible.....) at assembly on Monday.  The web address is

http://www.thegardens.school.nz/argentina

and that is funny!

So Beautiful......... So Brief......

I made it out alive!  In fact I have to take back my biohazard comment from the previous blog.  It was not so much a health issue as it was a jumble sale.  All I really had to do was get control of the drawers, wardrobe and the clothing covering every square inch of the rest of the room and it was all good. 

I managed to find my missing laundry (in the bottom of the cupboard, still in the laundry hamper!!! Covered by jumble sale) It was mostly underwear and I just kept thinking I know I have more 'dainty items' (if size 16 has ever been called dainty??) they must be somewhere?  Perhaps the washing machine is eating them again?  Damn washing machines with their eating disorders!!!  But no!  There they were.

I also found my Kathmandu toilet bag, loaned once, not seen since.  I found my black slip dress that she swore had been returned to me.  It must have been that time I was hiding out in her bottom drawer, when she gave it back to me???! 

Anyway, the room is pristine!  It even smells different.  I can enjoy it....... until Sunday.

I May Not Make It Out Alive....

My plans tomorrow involve getting stuck into the biohazard at the end of the hallway.  Alex is away and I need to get in there and empty the room of the last 6 months of accumulated junk.  If I don't blog within the next 2 weeks, please call the authorities.  I am home alone until Friday and the last thing I want to happen is that I qualify for a stint on the TV show "I Shouldn't Be Alive!"

If they decide to use actors because I am too traumatized from my experience, could I please have Kate Winslet play me?  I think she could pull of the accent??  Oh and also she looks just like me.

Hares Part II

I was thinking I was going to have to make something up but NO!  Life in the country produces many a conspiracy….

I have just been moving hoses in the paddocks by our house because we planted a heap of trees over the winter and this is my job, to keep them alive.  I try to open the gate for the fierce dog to come and protect me but tonight she mistook a rock or a piece of wood somewhere in the distance for food and by the time she had figured out it was not a tasty morsel, or even an old piece of sheep dropping, the gate I had left open had blown shut.  She sat on the other side of the fence watching me, looking cute (the dog was looking cute, not the dog watching me, looking cute)  cute, but dumb as dog droppings (again the dog, not me)

As I moved down the edge of the fence, a creature larger than the abominable snowman and more fierce than Cujo leapt from the long grass and hurtled away at the speed of summer lightening.  In its path is disturbed another Cujo like creature and they both, realising I was out numbered, paused and turned. 

Their evil, beady eyes settled on me and they glanced at each other, one with a smirk as if to say "you know, we can take her, she doesn't have a chance, she's out numbered!!!!"  they stayed and faced me down, alert, with evil intent in their eyes.  Cue music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHbizE2_Ngk&feature=related  

The mexican stand off begins.    The tension builds, we stare at each other,   only our eyes move as we squint, shaping up to each other, neither wanting to move first….

Then, in a fraction of a second, I snap-  "cut out this s$#@ I've got reports to read!!  You damn hares, spread the word!  I'M COMING AND HELLS COMING WITH ME!!!" (line from Kurt Russell in Tombstone)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0ndsXVaPwc&feature=related


At my first screech, they bolt!  One running so close to the dumb but cute looking dog, that I thought it was "The End" then I remember it is my dog.  My beautiful, well behaved, (dumb), did I say beautiful and well behaved Labrador.

"Yeah!"  I shout to their retreating furry ears "spread the word!!!!"

Damn I need a wine!

The Battle Between Fruit Trees and Wildlife

The battle between fruit trees and wildlife…

This is an on going problem at our house.  Fruit trees being fledgling avocado trees (that keep dying!!!! And we keep replacing – ever hopeful) and the wildlife being hares.

This morning, mostly dressed, I went out to get my shirt from the drying rack in the garage.  As I moved across the carport, I noticed in the orchard a bloody great Hare chewing on the bark of one of the avocado trees.  A thought blossomed….
I got my shirt and put it on (so there were no semi-naked people in the story) and went back to the house.  I paused and watched the Hare have another chew at the avocado.  I wondered if I could actually deal to this hare.

Once, many months ago, we were plagued by dive bombing magpies and Ian had decided to irradicate the vermin, one bullet at a time.  He had the gun and there was one on our front lawn- anyway to cut a long story short, I commando-ed across the bedroom floor and shot it with one shot.  I have not done any shooting since as I would let my brilliant record down.

Anywho, back to this morning.  I went down to the gun safe,  selected a weapon, found the magazine, loaded the gun, flipped the telescope and went back to the carport.  The dumb Hare was still aggravating me by chewing on the avocado tree.  I black ops toward it using the rug that the dog had thrown up on and I had hung on the fence as cover.  I raised the rifle, found the Hare in my sights and gently, like a sniper (actually, now that I think about it, my hair is like the grass that snipers stick in their helmets for cover) pulled the trigger.

One shot folks.  All that territorial training paid off (yes, 5 years)

Don't mess with me!

Curse You Starring Boy!

You may have read an earlier entry about the starring boy?  He spent quite a bit of time in the past 18 months staring at my daughter and NOW he has joined rowing.

In itself, this would have been okay had he not failed to grow past the brain power of a 5 year old boy who gets a girls attention by pulling her hair or kicking her.  The starring boy who we shall call Liam (mainly because that is his name!) has been being particularly unpleasant to Alex since joining rowing.
I don't for one minute imagine he stood at the dairy on a regular basis going-
"hmmm, that girl is so revolting I will stare a bit longer"
or
"hmmm, I think I will be stalker-ish and join the sport I know she does so that I can stare at her ugliness"
or
"hmmm, I bet if I tell her she is an ugly pig, she will give me some attention"

I now need to revisit the starring boy on my blog because HE SENT A VERY UNPLEASANT TEXT TO MY DAUGHTER!!

This in itself provided quite a large amount of reinforcement that not only has he not matured enough to figure a way to get a girls attention but he also cannot recognise that she is not a 'black pig' nor is she 'ugly' and to use the 'f' word twice within a 13 word text clearly indicates that he does not have a particularly strong nor eloquent grasp on the English language.   It would also be helpful if someone could take him aside and teach him the difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

I would volunteer and perhaps I will discuss the finer points of an apostrophe with him at some stage as I am biding my time for the next time I see him waiting outside the dairy.  I will be hopping out of my car and I will be having a chat.  It will have loosely veiled threats and enough sarcasm to ice a cake but I will leave him with no doubt that if you take on one of us, you get ALL of us!

I might even poke him in his starring eye!

Bugger This! I'm Back

I'll take my chances.  Only McCauley Culkin (however it is spelt???) has enough money to divorce parents!
I miss my blog!
I miss my mocking!
I miss the person from Wanganui that checked my blog more than I did!

I'm back and I have 3 months worth of funny stuff waiting for you.

Tell your friends.  Tell your workmates.  Tell people in Wanganui!

Teenagehell is back and its got NO BETTER!  (hmmm not really the line I was going for....) 

PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD

The following are snippets from actual CV’s I have received this round for a teaching job. 

“ I like to have my class a neutering environment” 

(holy hell! That’s a bit harsh!??)

“I enjoy good relations with people at work” 

(relations…..????)

I have a passion to associate with the young learners 

(phraseology is everything.)

With a growing role 

(I have a growing girth but I am not going to put it on my CV)

I have an understanding of curiculim 

(let me guess, literacy is your strength?)

Most distinguished Principal 

(I thought distinguished was a euphemism for OLD!  Into the no pile.)

Dear Principle 

(Hmmmm, which one?  Dear Honesty?  Dear Integrity?  Dear Faithfulness? 

Dear Sir/Madam 

(most days Madam…..)

I enjoy my church life and my love for Jesus   

(I enjoy rugby and shouting at the TV……)

Money doesn't matter for me, I just need a chance 

(yes, I need a chance too.  A chance to find out money can’t buy me happiness. Lotto!!)

 I have applied for the entrant level position in your school 

(this position is doorman.  When can you start?)

Curriculu

(next page)

m  Vitae

(next page)

For

(next page)

Drum roll please……….

Please accept this letter as an expression of my genuine interest in continuing my teaching career at The Gardens School. 

(Oh Lord!  Is she here and we haven’t noticed?)

Wrote Functional Specification on Branch Table Maintenance for OSCAR EBS Germany Project which aimed to maintain/authorize transactions (Anti-Money Laundering, Instruments, GL account, Transaction Pricing, Denominations, etc.) and assigned role and entitlements on all users (Tellers, Branch Managers, Back Office, Citiphone, Sales Force, etc.) 

(and then you decided you wanted  to teach five year olds?)

 I believe having a sense of humour is one of three main attributes all teachers need. 

(end of paragraph; no further reference to what the other 2 could be?????  Is it multi choice??)

With my class, I will. 

This is like me deciding to go on a diet.  This time I will (insert appropriate caption)