Hares Part II

I was thinking I was going to have to make something up but NO!  Life in the country produces many a conspiracy….

I have just been moving hoses in the paddocks by our house because we planted a heap of trees over the winter and this is my job, to keep them alive.  I try to open the gate for the fierce dog to come and protect me but tonight she mistook a rock or a piece of wood somewhere in the distance for food and by the time she had figured out it was not a tasty morsel, or even an old piece of sheep dropping, the gate I had left open had blown shut.  She sat on the other side of the fence watching me, looking cute (the dog was looking cute, not the dog watching me, looking cute)  cute, but dumb as dog droppings (again the dog, not me)

As I moved down the edge of the fence, a creature larger than the abominable snowman and more fierce than Cujo leapt from the long grass and hurtled away at the speed of summer lightening.  In its path is disturbed another Cujo like creature and they both, realising I was out numbered, paused and turned. 

Their evil, beady eyes settled on me and they glanced at each other, one with a smirk as if to say "you know, we can take her, she doesn't have a chance, she's out numbered!!!!"  they stayed and faced me down, alert, with evil intent in their eyes.  Cue music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHbizE2_Ngk&feature=related  

The mexican stand off begins.    The tension builds, we stare at each other,   only our eyes move as we squint, shaping up to each other, neither wanting to move first….

Then, in a fraction of a second, I snap-  "cut out this s$#@ I've got reports to read!!  You damn hares, spread the word!  I'M COMING AND HELLS COMING WITH ME!!!" (line from Kurt Russell in Tombstone)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0ndsXVaPwc&feature=related


At my first screech, they bolt!  One running so close to the dumb but cute looking dog, that I thought it was "The End" then I remember it is my dog.  My beautiful, well behaved, (dumb), did I say beautiful and well behaved Labrador.

"Yeah!"  I shout to their retreating furry ears "spread the word!!!!"

Damn I need a wine!

The Battle Between Fruit Trees and Wildlife

The battle between fruit trees and wildlife…

This is an on going problem at our house.  Fruit trees being fledgling avocado trees (that keep dying!!!! And we keep replacing – ever hopeful) and the wildlife being hares.

This morning, mostly dressed, I went out to get my shirt from the drying rack in the garage.  As I moved across the carport, I noticed in the orchard a bloody great Hare chewing on the bark of one of the avocado trees.  A thought blossomed….
I got my shirt and put it on (so there were no semi-naked people in the story) and went back to the house.  I paused and watched the Hare have another chew at the avocado.  I wondered if I could actually deal to this hare.

Once, many months ago, we were plagued by dive bombing magpies and Ian had decided to irradicate the vermin, one bullet at a time.  He had the gun and there was one on our front lawn- anyway to cut a long story short, I commando-ed across the bedroom floor and shot it with one shot.  I have not done any shooting since as I would let my brilliant record down.

Anywho, back to this morning.  I went down to the gun safe,  selected a weapon, found the magazine, loaded the gun, flipped the telescope and went back to the carport.  The dumb Hare was still aggravating me by chewing on the avocado tree.  I black ops toward it using the rug that the dog had thrown up on and I had hung on the fence as cover.  I raised the rifle, found the Hare in my sights and gently, like a sniper (actually, now that I think about it, my hair is like the grass that snipers stick in their helmets for cover) pulled the trigger.

One shot folks.  All that territorial training paid off (yes, 5 years)

Don't mess with me!

Curse You Starring Boy!

You may have read an earlier entry about the starring boy?  He spent quite a bit of time in the past 18 months staring at my daughter and NOW he has joined rowing.

In itself, this would have been okay had he not failed to grow past the brain power of a 5 year old boy who gets a girls attention by pulling her hair or kicking her.  The starring boy who we shall call Liam (mainly because that is his name!) has been being particularly unpleasant to Alex since joining rowing.
I don't for one minute imagine he stood at the dairy on a regular basis going-
"hmmm, that girl is so revolting I will stare a bit longer"
or
"hmmm, I think I will be stalker-ish and join the sport I know she does so that I can stare at her ugliness"
or
"hmmm, I bet if I tell her she is an ugly pig, she will give me some attention"

I now need to revisit the starring boy on my blog because HE SENT A VERY UNPLEASANT TEXT TO MY DAUGHTER!!

This in itself provided quite a large amount of reinforcement that not only has he not matured enough to figure a way to get a girls attention but he also cannot recognise that she is not a 'black pig' nor is she 'ugly' and to use the 'f' word twice within a 13 word text clearly indicates that he does not have a particularly strong nor eloquent grasp on the English language.   It would also be helpful if someone could take him aside and teach him the difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

I would volunteer and perhaps I will discuss the finer points of an apostrophe with him at some stage as I am biding my time for the next time I see him waiting outside the dairy.  I will be hopping out of my car and I will be having a chat.  It will have loosely veiled threats and enough sarcasm to ice a cake but I will leave him with no doubt that if you take on one of us, you get ALL of us!

I might even poke him in his starring eye!

Bugger This! I'm Back

I'll take my chances.  Only McCauley Culkin (however it is spelt???) has enough money to divorce parents!
I miss my blog!
I miss my mocking!
I miss the person from Wanganui that checked my blog more than I did!

I'm back and I have 3 months worth of funny stuff waiting for you.

Tell your friends.  Tell your workmates.  Tell people in Wanganui!

Teenagehell is back and its got NO BETTER!  (hmmm not really the line I was going for....) 

PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD

The following are snippets from actual CV’s I have received this round for a teaching job. 

“ I like to have my class a neutering environment” 

(holy hell! That’s a bit harsh!??)

“I enjoy good relations with people at work” 

(relations…..????)

I have a passion to associate with the young learners 

(phraseology is everything.)

With a growing role 

(I have a growing girth but I am not going to put it on my CV)

I have an understanding of curiculim 

(let me guess, literacy is your strength?)

Most distinguished Principal 

(I thought distinguished was a euphemism for OLD!  Into the no pile.)

Dear Principle 

(Hmmmm, which one?  Dear Honesty?  Dear Integrity?  Dear Faithfulness? 

Dear Sir/Madam 

(most days Madam…..)

I enjoy my church life and my love for Jesus   

(I enjoy rugby and shouting at the TV……)

Money doesn't matter for me, I just need a chance 

(yes, I need a chance too.  A chance to find out money can’t buy me happiness. Lotto!!)

 I have applied for the entrant level position in your school 

(this position is doorman.  When can you start?)

Curriculu

(next page)

m  Vitae

(next page)

For

(next page)

Drum roll please……….

Please accept this letter as an expression of my genuine interest in continuing my teaching career at The Gardens School. 

(Oh Lord!  Is she here and we haven’t noticed?)

Wrote Functional Specification on Branch Table Maintenance for OSCAR EBS Germany Project which aimed to maintain/authorize transactions (Anti-Money Laundering, Instruments, GL account, Transaction Pricing, Denominations, etc.) and assigned role and entitlements on all users (Tellers, Branch Managers, Back Office, Citiphone, Sales Force, etc.) 

(and then you decided you wanted  to teach five year olds?)

 I believe having a sense of humour is one of three main attributes all teachers need. 

(end of paragraph; no further reference to what the other 2 could be?????  Is it multi choice??)

With my class, I will. 

This is like me deciding to go on a diet.  This time I will (insert appropriate caption)